6/29} ...the kids help me out. they tell me when I lose my shit. they help me hide my gin sachets. they shake my hand when they go home. last night was devendra banhart and the creepy eeriness of the wilderness at night. I love it, relish it. bats flying overhead, jine in the distance. motos pass my concession occasionally, bringing a softly blowing breeze that rustles my thatched hangar and roof. like last breaths of some scarecrow's life. the moon is low and small but bright, like a streetlamp on the corner. i be te min and think about opening up, losing those last hang-ups, the great personal struggles. clarification of the present, that instantaneous perception of reality, of now. the moment that's not even a moment. these are the things I look for and think about. gotta get your head right first, be responsible. can't just go of on your own without any regard for others. that's not the point...
7/23} ...took a night ride to jigiya. looking for a lighter but they only had matches, which suck right now because of the rain. the rain makes a good and heavy night. romantic really. thick hot air and sprawling trees. the moon tries to shine but clouds move across its face like molasses. everything a shade of grey and vague. thin trails split off into every direction of fields and more fields, secret getaways. the fields are sexy this way, when you look out to them and their descent, rolling right up under the next rock ridge. these meadows are mysterious, working their way in all snug and curvy. fireflies are floating candlelights to turn dread into spontaneity and startles into speechless embraces. no wonder they like it here, don't leave the bush. I like it here...
7/25} ...tried to make a cover for my nyegen but made a fucking mess of my concession instead. ended up not waiting long enough for the concrete to set, the thing split when I pulled on the handle. got no damn willpower, such a bum sometimes. so then I cleaned up and went to open my first pump, do a little bit more tomorrow. fell asleep waiting for a daba to start on my garden, gonna try and spiffy up the place for family and it'll give me something to do at home. yaalayaala'd, looking for a chicken. chilled at sise's and talked about marriages and how marembilia used to have huge trees and water and animals everywhere and everything was awesome. had a little bit of dinner (saved our chicken for tomorrow morning, big mistake) and went running. felt good, but again no willpower. showered and headed to diakite's dance party after some tea. I was the main attraction once again, danced with sidati my brother, the fucker, and talked about sex with the dudes there. they don't do a lot of stuff we do but seem to really enjoy the enterprise nonetheless. they're curious, that's for sure, with their cells full of nasty porn clips. you can tell the women enjoy it also, the ones lucky enough to have a man man. it'd suck to be stuck with some old fucker....
8/2} ...back home and under night I yaalayaala'd with the jeli kid looking for peanuts. ended up at filifen's, his wife and some of their kids were circled up and chatting around embers. after a few minutes of talking the kids all started inching towards me. with everything I said they got closer, until they were just feeling me with their hands. I was out of my head... these kids are always around my place, messing around, just being hooligans. but this mood was different. no antagonism, anxiety, confusion. just familylove, like closeness. all very calm and comforting. didn't get any peanuts, stopped at host family's on the way home. rain just started rollin in when I started talking to maman... more comfort. I ran home to put all my shit away, the winds picked up quick. read some of people's history and ate old packets of oatmeal I found in the transit house...
8/3} ...a weird thing happened at dinner. super turned on the radio right before we were gonna eat. everyone strangely started gathering around it and doing that sulk they do when they're irritated or something generally doesn't agree with them, like spaceship movies and rock n roll music. I realized the radio was calling the family names of the bereaved to my host aunt's older brother's son (second cousin?). I didn't know him but everyone else was losing it. they all gathered in fusenu's concession and alpha followed to try and shut them up. he was yelling telling them to wizen up and stop crying. he saw super and I waiting for bourama, who was crying like I've never seen a guy his age cry, and told us to go ahead and eat. it was sagasaga anyway, and damn good too. I stuffed myself with the lack of eaters. then alpha gave us a huge bag of medecine that came on the transport with sugar and rice gifts from his son in libya? he said the driver made a mistake, the meds aren't for him. good thing because the shit looked serious, and without knowing what you're doing or even how to read, you could really fuck someone up.
8/7} ...more striking feelings after work in karo. this time ... I felt like I was being delivered to the gates of heaven. I would imagine the way to be untamed, growth all around and clear rain-cleaned skies. distinct clouds. just cruisin, waiting for the next thing. and at dinner the forecasting clouds were so vivid I felt like I could throw my arm up around the edge of one and swing myself up. wrap up and ride the clouds like waves checkin all the shit out. wouldn't that be heaven? as long as you could swing yourself back down for all the fun. winds are pushing out to the north again. lightning gives day flashes of the open bushlands while thunder gives bass to the night...
